I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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