My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
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