my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize