As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Can Purell be used as lube?
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
