Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
