Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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