mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
