She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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