he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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