He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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