Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
