I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
