I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
