I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
