She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize