omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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