highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
