I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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