If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
