Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
