The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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