Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
being pregnant is like rehab
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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