My entire life is one complicated drinking game
He felt like a one man threesome
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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