if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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