shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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