There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
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