Welp...herpes.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
