no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
i've created a new STD.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
