My girlfriend figured out who you are.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
