it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Randomize