haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Dear god my vagina.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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