I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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