I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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