Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
