i need an iv and a liver transplant
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
