We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
