the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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