Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
