She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
