sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
