That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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