my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I said "one day" and that day is not today
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
