my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
