Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Randomize
