I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
