I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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