drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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