I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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