If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
