i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
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