when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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