in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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