I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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