I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
