I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
