Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
