Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
We're too hungover to prance.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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