Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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