I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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