i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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